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By Daniela Palatchi
When the chocolate box or Victoria’s Secret simply isn’t going to cut it for your special someone on the Hallmark holiday, you have to GO ALL OUT to show them how much they mean to you. Nothing says “I love you” like an outlandish display of everlasting affection. With the approval of the Dean of Fun, we at the butterknife have meticulously compiled a list of the best Valentine’s Day gestures, gifts and stunts that are 1,000% guaranteed to prolong your relationship by at least an extra week. Some of these displays of devotion could even work for a crush–someone you admire but haven’t admitted it–and you can take Valentine’s Day to finally admit your undying love. There is something on the list for everyone, so consider your target and think about what they would like to receive.
Brake Pad Date: Skip a mundane meal in the cafeteria and instead cherish a romantic bite at Brake Pad, the local College Park restaurant on Main Street, only walking distance from school. A heart-shaped patty melt with strawberry milkshakes. There at Brake Pad you and your loved one can finally get some time alone, away from friends and teachers who might be weirded out by PDA. Who doesn’t love wiping the ketchup off their loved one’s face?
Intercom Announcement: If you or your special someone’s love language is words of affection, an intimate intercom announcement is the way to go. Compose a short and tender-hearted message to your lover that is as unfiltered, honest and passionate as possible. Make sure to visit Coach Myers’ office while he is in so he can show you how to use the intercom, then pour your whole heart out. Include ALL the embarrassing details because you will only get one chance to pull this stunt. Your crush or loved one will be positively thankful that you revealed their personal business to the whole school.
Vienna Sausage Edible Arrangement: What is even more romantic than a box of chocolate-covered strawberries could ever be? A handcrafted smoked Vienna sausage edible arrangement in the shape of a heart with you and your twin flame’s initials in it. Prepare the arrangement and send it to the cafeteria first thing in the morning on Valentine’s Day. Once your soulmate gets in the lunch line to get their food, the lunch server will carry out the arrangement for them to enjoy. All hope is not lost if they are vegan–-Morningstar will work just as well. They say hot dog breath is even tastier than mouthwash!
Lounge Flash Mob: Channel your inner dancer and recreate High School Musical for your darling with a distinguished dance number. With the help of the Dance Ensemble, you can WOW the crowd and most definitely gain the attention of the one you admire. Prepare your number with the Dance Ensemble in advance to ensure it is flawless. Then, at 12:40 P.M. on V-Day, march into the lounge with your boombox and commence the whipping, nae-naeing, bopping and stanky-legging. Keep your fingers crossed that everyone woke up on the right side of the bed that day because if you’re lucky, everyone will join you to create a romantic and vivacious mosh pit. If you start to smell the B.O., that means everyone is truly feeling the love.
Rooftop Serenade: If your beloved is a music fan of any kind, in the spirit of Ten Things I Hate About You, bring the Eras Tour to them with a rooftop serenade from the roof of Moss Hall. A compelling song performance is a mix between the intercom announcement and the flash mob–but on romantic steroids that will have them weak in the knees. Firstly, pick a suitable but seductive song, such as “Never Gonna Give You Up,” “Every Breath You Take” or “My Heart Will Go On.” Who knows, Mrs. Zents might not get you in trouble for climbing on the roof if you perform her favorite ballad, “Drunk In Love.” Sing and dance your heart out as the crowd from the lounge starts walking outside scratching their heads; don’t lose focus on those high notes as the deans yell at you from below–they are only jealous of your silver voice. A little lovey-dovey entertainment is all it takes to make Valentine’s Day a memorable occasion.
Mariachi Marriage Proposal: If none of these previous gestures reach the bar of expressing appreciation for your boo and you are still wanting to pull out all the stops for them, give a Mariachi marriage proposal a shot. You’ll need to count your pennies from your babysitting job because a mariachi band is around $300 per hour, and you want to get a premium performance. Make adorable shirts for the mariachi band to wear–along with their sombreros–that say your name and your sweetie’s name inside of a heart. Try to get the band to come for the first period of Feb. 14, so that you guys can be engaged for the entire day. As everyone is settling into their first periods, march confidently with the mariachi band to your significant other’s class, and let those sweet trumpets sing. Next, pop the big question and hope for the best!
If the one who is on your mind isn’t a fan of public displays of affection, you can always go for the low-key and more traditional options:
An extra detailed scrapbook with various pictures and messages for only them to see, available for checkout at the library
A life-size sculpture or painted portrait of your darling, displayed in the Woodruff Atrium
A large chocolate-scented teddy bear for them to lug around from class to class, as a real-life symbol of how much love for them you carry around day to day
A shoutout on the WA Spirit Instagram with precious pictures of your lover for the entire internet to see
Hopefully, you found at least one idea for what to do for your crush or partner this year for Valentine’s Day. We at the butterknife stand by our Unassured Assurance Policy for our advice, meaning if these demonstrations for some wacky reason don’t turn out the way you wanted them to, we cannot take any responsibility for it (it’s in the contract). Not to be discouraged, though, as we can assure you that if you guys are meant to be together, they will without a doubt love anything you do to show them you care. Happy Valentine’s Day!