CHARACTERS

GUEST 1 Judgemental woman

GUEST 2 Her equally judgemental friend

NOTATION

/ denotes the beginning of the following line

– denotes a line being cut off

… denotes a trailing off or hesitant beginning of a sentence

Italicized stage directions are not to be read aloud, but underlined ones are

SETTING

An empty wake held in a church, although this is not revealed immediately

TIME

A present evening

---

(GUEST 1 and GUEST 2 enter into the nave of a church, exiting from a reception area and nearing the altar, above which stands two wooden angel figures.)

GUEST 1

Well that was rather / stuffy

GUEST 2

Shhhh!

GUEST 1

What? No one’s in here anymore. They all went off.

(GUEST 2 looks around hesitantly, eyeing the angels before approaching. GUEST 1 follows behind her.)

GUEST 2

(looking down) Hm. Bit pale, don’t you think?

GUEST 1

She never really got much sun… I heard she was always cooped up inside-

GUEST 2

Doing what?

GUEST 1

I didn’t hear that part. 

GUEST 2

Books.

GUEST 1

You think?

GUEST 2

Look, her right hand is all tensed up.

GUEST 1

…from holding books?

GUEST 2

Maybe!

GUEST 1

I don’t think it was books. They were never well off enough for books.

GUEST 2

Or at least for the volume of books needed to tense a hand.

GUEST 1

Library, then?

GUEST 2

No. Only the rich have time to read.

GUEST 1

What else then? She didn’t work.

GUEST 2

Work! No her father’d never let her. In that family it’s the parent’s home, to the sorority, to the husband’s!

GUEST 1

Not that any were real homes…

GUEST 2

In her days you bought a home with charm, and

BOTH

She was never well off!

GUEST 1

Not since grade school, at least.

GUEST 2

True. She didn’t start off half bad.

GUEST 1

Remember the dresses she’d wear to school dances?

GUEST 2

Not half bad.

GUEST 1

But her wedding dress…

GUEST 2

Bad-and-a-half.

GUEST 1

At least she managed a wedding.

GUEST 2

Poor man. I doubt she made much of a wife.

GUEST 1

Not enough wit to make up for her plainness.

GUEST 2

Not enough beauty to make up for her voice.

GUEST 1

Oh that voice! I remember / that voice

GUEST 2

So grating! 

(GUEST 2 makes horrible squeaking sounds, and then both women laugh, clear their throats with mild shame, and they walk closer to the altar under the disapproving eyes of the angels.)

GUEST 1

And that face…

GUEST 2

Mask, really.

GUEST 1

That mask…

GUEST 2

(looking down) All the powder stuck in those crow’s feet…

GUEST 1

And none in the smile lines!

GUEST 2

Ha! As if there are any to get stuck in.

GUEST 1

Never one for cheer, was she?

GUEST 2

She thought herself above it all.

GUEST 1

Awfully proud for a pauper.

GUEST 2

Don’t be too harsh… I’d say a commoner!

GUEST 1

Well don’t be too generous, I mean look at these flowers. Look at that dress!

GUEST 2

And no jewelry either. What’ll the angels think?

(She gestures jokingly to the angel figures above the altar, and their painted faces twist with disgust.)

GUEST 1

Never mind what the angels will think, what’ll everyone else think!

GUEST 2

Well I know what I think…

GUEST 1

Do share.

GUEST 2

I couldn’t. (takes a tiny pause of restraint, looks to her friend and then whispers) I think any sort of preciousness so close to her would only hurt her with comparison.

GUEST 1

(attempting to stifle her giggles) Please, please.

GUEST 2

But in all seriousness, she’s a poison to the eyes. To the ears too. (repeats the squeaking noise)

GUEST 1

Never did anything to help herself either.

GUEST 2

Never bothered to… (holding back a laugh) take care of herself.

GUEST 1

I mean she can’t be in the most flattering position…

GUEST 2

There’s only so much position can do! Besides, I heard from the manager they had to call for a special order.

GUEST 1

A special order! That’s… well, that’s something.

GUEST 2

Seems rude.

GUEST 1

Well it must cost more…

GUEST 2

(nodding in agreement) Mhm.

GUEST 1

Maybe that’s why they had to skimp on the dress. I mean, crushed velvet? 

GUEST 2

Well I’ve got crushed velvet…

GUEST 1

Well your neckline is different. It invites pearls.

GUEST 2

Of course. Whereas yours…

GUEST 1

Too high for my pearls. Freshwater, by the way. Authentic. Knotts between the beads and everything.

GUEST 2

It was good of you not to wear them. Too much.

(The women are silent for a moment and we start to hear the noises of the church: footsteps creaking as someone moves around the nave.)

GUEST 1

Did you hear something?

GUEST 2

What?

GUEST 1

(glancing around) Papers, rustling papers, or something.

GUEST 2

(with feigned fright) Oh dear, do you think she’s haunting us already?

GUEST 1

With rustling papers? 

GUEST 2

A whole spector could never be as scary as she was!

GUEST 1

More disturbing than scary.

GUEST 2

Either way I doubt she’d try to- 

(The faint sounds of a piano playing cuts her off.)

GUEST 1

What is that?

GUEST 2

Some bishop practicing his organ skills, I guess.

GUEST 1

Keep it down then.

GUEST 2

Keep what down? It’s not like we’re sharing secrets. We didn’t know her well enough to have any!

GUEST 1

You’re right. It’s all superficial. Nothing important…

GUEST 2

I wish she thought the superficial was more important, might have saved me from a few of her “expressions” seared into my eyes.

GUEST 1

Just remember, better the face than the voice.

GUEST 2

Exactly! You know, without that voice…

GUEST 1

And that face…

GUEST 2

Mask…

GUEST 1

Mask, she would have been tolerable.

GUEST 2

That’s the best we can do, tolerable?

GUEST 1

We can take away the looks and the sounds, but what’re we left with?

GUEST 2

I don’t know! Like I said, we didn’t really know her.

GUEST 1

With some women, you don’t really have too.

GUEST 2

You know their father, you know them.

GUEST 1

At least it’s efficient.

GUEST 2

Boring, though.

GUEST 1

Not everything must exist to entertain us.

GUEST 2

Oh but it’s such fun when they do!

GUEST 1

She was entertaining at times, in her own perplexing, slightly repulsive way.

GUEST 2

I’d have liked to see more of her, but maybe that would spoil the mystery. She was probably even plainer on the inside.

GUEST 1

But we don’t know, so we can think whatever we want of her. 

GUEST 2

And of her family.

(The pianist misses a note, catching the women’s attention, but restarts the phrase shortly afterwards as the women hesitantly resume their conversation.)

GUEST 1

(beginning in a whisper) Speaking of family, have you seen that daughter of hers around?

GUEST 2

No, but I doubt she’s much to see. I have an inkling that whatever pearls she’s wearing today are either borrowed or fake.

GUEST 1

Whatever black, appropriately modest dress she’s sporting too.

GUEST 2

Honestly, given the state of her mother, I would be shocked to see her turn into anything more than another strange, mysterious, and otherwise boring leaf on that diseased family tree.

(The piano player hits a sour note and abruptly stops. It is quiet for a moment before distant sobs are heard from behind the altar. The two women exchange nervous glances and look up from the body long enough to see a small girl in a black velvet dress stand up from behind the large instrument and run out of the nave, weeping. As she flees, her necklace gets snagged on the warped door frame and snaps open, shattering pearls across the tiled floor. As the beads bounce and echo through the nave, the women watch and then turn back to each other, eyes filled with genuine pity.)

GUEST 1

Well they were fake afterall.

GUEST 2

Not even a good fake.

GUEST 1

(nods) She really shouldn’t cry like that, it’ll ruin her makeup.

GUEST 2

Besides, it’s not proper.

GUEST 1

You know, it’s a shame she got her mother’s nose… those hips too…

GUEST 2

If only the world had been kinder to her…

(Satisfied with their discussion, the women back away from the altar. One trips on a discarded pearl, losing her balance and earning some laughs from her friend. The other quickly succumbs to the same fate, landing flat on her back. They look up at the angels who, in turn, jeer and point at the women, scrutinizing them with a familiar, unforgiving gaze.)