By Auria Araghi

Personally, I’m enormously thankful for food — and nothing else. You might think my life drags bleakly from meal to meal, but I’m really just content — and lucky, and lucky that I’m content. So food has me thankful two-fold.

Now, my short-sighted gratitude spurred some imagination, à la “But what if there were potato rolls?” and there were! — so here I am, and here you are. In thirty years, when you’ve invited all your ritzy friends and foodie relatives to sit down for some of your cooking, they’ll ask “Where in the world did you find this absolutely brilliant recipe?” and you’ll reply, “From the butterknife, of course!” and they’ll say, “But of course!” 

Don’t get ahead of yourself, though! 

Making absolutely brilliant potato rolls: the potato part

The first auspicious step to any sort of potato roll success is peeling your potatoes. Knives and peelers might be efficient, but I’m frugal with my fingers: I’ll boil my potatoes first and peel them by hand, no blade needed. Choose your favorite potato-boiling pot (you know the one), and choose your favorite potatoes (the brown ones (sometimes red, sometimes gold)), filling them in your favorite sink until they’re practically submerged — then, boil:

After they’re soft enough, switch off the stove(!) and let the potatoes cool. Now, it’s my chef’s duty to inform you to wash your hands before peeling potatoes. If I were your ritzy friend or foodie relative, I’d scream in posh disgust discovering how many horrifying microbes decided to pay rent on your potato rolls, and I’d make a scene rising from my seat, and I’d make a statement thumbing my nose. A friend no more!

But I’m glad to see you’ve gone and done your due diligence, so peel those potatoes unperturbed, and take a fork and mash them unchecked.

Making absolutely brilliant potato rolls: the mixing part

If only that were all of it, but here I am, and here you are, and here we’re left with perfectly fine mashed potatoes, if not a bit tasteless. The virtuosic chef might think, But we must let ambition take us! Complacency will not stand! I think he’s a bit over-the-top, but absolute brilliance does need dedication — so here I am, preparing my countertop, preparing for my kitchen to end up an absolute mess.

In your favorite flour-sugar-yeast-salt-mixing bowl, add:

2 ½ cups of all purpose flour

2 tablespoons of sugar

1 teaspoon of yeast

5 ½ teaspoons of salt

And mix!

Hopefully, it winds up looking reasonably homogenous. Sometimes I wonder: Am I pressuring you too hard — for it to wind up perfect? Part of me would like to see a perfect potato roll, so my subconscious might be urging an aggressive streak. Let me assure you now: any audacity is only passion, stirred with a minor desire to put your uptight, nose-thumbing friends in their place.

In that same flour-sugar-yeast-salt-mixing bowl, add:

40 g of butter

One (cracked) egg

And water

And mix!

I’ve heard the eggheads like their eggs uncracked — it’s avant-garde. Maybe your friends will be impressed, but I wouldn’t want that kind of respect…I’d like to think I’m above them, but, in actual fact, I’m frugal with my teeth. Pressing on…

In that flour-sugar-yeast-salt-butter-egg-water mixing bowl, add:

Your persistently mashed potatoes, and

And mix!

Making absolutely brilliant potato rolls: the final stretch, and addendum

Wrap your concoction in plastic wrap and let it sit for 90 minutes…perhaps you could be productive? Dial your friends — the conversation might go:

“Would you come over for potato rolls? I’m so lonely, and I’ve some time to spend, and I’d like to spend it with you, eating potato rolls.”

“But of course I’ll come! In fact, I was just thinking — me, you, and potato rolls would make for an extravagantly posh scene, wouldn’t it? 

“Really? I didn’t think of it like that.”

“But of course you did! Don’t be diffident, dear. Excessive hesitance has always been your portion, no? You mustn’t deny it! Oh, you’re hesitant and modest — a perfect aristocrat! You must know — potato rolls are but at the top of the upper crust’s zeitgeist, which for the past many years hasn’t been much well-defined, or well-designed — I admit it! (caustically) — but, it is very much accepted that potato rolls privilege only the able few. Even if you were unaware, these rolls do signal a uniquely cultivated instinct. Oh, we must celebrate. And I must educate you on the seemly qualities, which can only be the lot, and must only be the lot, of those blessed with such intuition as yours, and mine. So yes, I would flatly love to spend my time with you, eating –”

…More potato rolls for you!

P.S.

After those 90 minutes:

1. Flatten the dough
2. Cut the dough
3. Tuck the dough from its corners and roll (round) it in your palm
4. Transfer the dough to a greased baking tray
5. Proof the dough — for 30 minutes
6. Bake the dough
   1. at 350°F
      1. for 20 minutes
7. Eat! (but let it cool…)